Friday, November 4, 2011

The Cost of Greatness

It's probably the most common greeting I receive each day but people rarely think about what they are saying. You've heard it recently, I'm sure:

"Have a GREAT day!"

It sounds nice but have you thought about what's now required? This supposedly kind and rational person is DEMANDING that I have a GREAT day - not an ordinary day, not a regular day, not a typical day - no! I must now have a GREAT day.

Geez! Do you know how much work it takes to have a GREAT day? Do you think GREAT just happens by itself? No! If this day is going to be GREAT then I'm going to have to really maximize every moment, and frankly, I'm not sure I have the energy.

When somone forces GREATNESS apon my day, I must then instantly analyze which GREATNESS outcome is even possible given my usual work and family constraints. I've got responsibilities, pal, and up until now I thought I could pretty much handle them. On top of that, the chances I'm even going to be able to somehow magically construct a GREAT day out of my normally drab existence are slim, at best, don't you think? But, no, you didn't think, did you!!!

Further more, if this mindless proclamaion is issued towards the end of the day, then I have very little time left to make it GREAT. Talk about pressure. Further, maybe it's been a terrible day so far and now I have to really make things EXTRA GREAT just to compensate for the terrible part! That just gets me mad!

Hey, I'd like to think I'm a man who is usually content with his lot in life but when someone tells me to "Have a GREAT day!" then suddenly I'm reminded of how un-GREAT my day has been. Needless to say, I'm then overwhelmed with powerful feelings of regret, dispair, and failure. What was, up to that time, an OK day is now ruined by the mind-boggling expectations of a GREAT day. Man! Thanks a lot!

These well-wishers don't even tell me HOW to have a GREAT day. They just send me off, with a smile on their face, expecting me to figure it out. A little guidance would be helpful. At least, they could say something like, "Have a GREAT day by winning the lottery!" Now THAT would be a GREAT day!

Listen! Why couldn't you wish me a GOOD day? GOOD is doable - some effort required but not overwhelming. How about a FINE day? That's ambiguous enough to fit almost any situation - FINE covers from "pretty good" to "just OK". There's some lattitude there. Rarely, I'll hear some people say, "Have a NICE day!" The word "nice" can mean "agreeable" but it can also have the sense of doing something with great precision or care. If all you are asking is that I'm a little more careful today, I can do that! But "no!", almost invariably, those miserable people insist I have a GREAT day.

"Have a GREAT day!"
"Have a GREAT day!"
"Have a GREAT day!"

No! YOU have a GREAT day - you idiot!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Car Thief?


Would it surprise you to know that a Holy Joe like me could be a car thief?

A while back, I was spending a couple of weeks taking classes in Florida and needed a vehicle to make a few trips around town. My good friends John and Barb kindly offered me the services of their van. The problem was that they were out of town.

No problem! They said their son would put the keys under the front door mat and the van would be in front of their house. I could come pick it up anytime.

My friend Joe even volunteered to drive me to John & Barb's house. I had printed directions . . . except . . . and this is key . . . I left OFF the last page that had their actual street address. Step by step, the directions led me to their very street but I had to guess which was their actual van/house. "This will be easy!", I thought.

Joe and I slowly drove down the street. Eventually, we spotted a white van. We checked the mat by the front door and sure enough the keys were there. I took them and fired up the van. As I was adjusting the seat and mirrors I looked in the back of the van. If was full of strange mechanical equipment. I know John is a handy guy but this was weird. I told Joe, "I don't think this is John's van!"

Just then, the front door opened and a lady came out, "Jeff said you'd come by to pick of the van." Jeff!?! I didn't know a Jeff! Sheepishly, we returned the keys to her and suggested there might have been a mix up. Good thing, because just as we were walking away a big burly guy, presumably named Jeff, came out and saw that we were certainly NOT HIS friends. We quickly jumped in Joe's car and got moving.

A little more searching down the street brought us to a red van. Yes, the keys were under the mat by the front door. This proved to indeed be the van owned and operated by John & Barb and, with much relief, I took possession of it.

However, as I was heading out, I was wondering, "Is there a chance that I am, in fact, a car thief?" I cannot deny that I actually took possession of a stranger's vehicle, just for a minute or two. And although I returned it immediately, I'm concerned that technically, according to a strict interpretation of the law, I stole a van. I hope Jeff is a reasonable guy because my finger prints are all over that vehicle.

Possible next blog: "Life from Prison!"


Friday, May 27, 2011

Attack of the Lattes!

I have noticed a very disturbing trend: People attacking lattes. And the worst part is that these are well-intentioned individuals - those making financial appeals.

Typically, the attack takes this kind of form:

"Here's a very worthy cause (fill in a favorite worthy cause). All you have to do is donate a mere $15 a month to support it." (And, then, here's the justification). "Think of it as just giving up a latte each week."

I don't know how many times I've heard financial appeals in terms of lattes. I want to know, why do they attack lattes? Why don't they attack things that really are a waste, like bank fees. "Give $15/month. Think of it like paying your credit card on time and avoiding interest fees!" Or, how about movie popcorn? For a family of 4 you're talking $50 for popcorn and drinks. Talk about a extravagance!

And, the truth is, I don't want to give up my lattes! My hot-caffeinated beverages are very important to me! Life without lattes is not worth living, even if charities around the world go belly-up. First of all, it's a comforting ritual: Ah! The smell of coffee beans as I enter the shop in the morning; The nuanced beverage order, as the barista gives me a nod and a smile, noting my sophisticated choices; There's the pride as they yell out, " Venti Vanilla Latte, half-caf, 140 degrees, extra shot of espresso, for Duncan." I imagine everyone in the coffee shop is thinking, "Man, that guy knows how to order coffee (and perhaps, "I'm never going to name my kid Duncan")!"; I like adding the soothing spice, cinnamon; And then there's that first sip as the hot comforting liquid warms the body and, perhaps, even the soul.

Dear Mr. fund-raiser, are you saying you want to take all this away from me? Well, then, you are just plain mean. I'll give you $15/month, or more, if you just stop the attack of the lattes!

Further, the boost in productivity that my caffeinated beverage produces in me must translate into greater earnings in the long run, I'm sure. I'll give the extra to charity, already. I'll sell a pint of blood if I have to; Just keep away from my lattes! Trust me, the world will be better off for it.